dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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