I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
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