I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Randomize
