I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
