Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
