Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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