Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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