My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Randomize
