I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
