I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
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