I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
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