Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
