I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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