Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
