my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
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don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
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We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
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