haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
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just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
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Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
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