My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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