I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Randomize
