I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
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