I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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