the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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