grandma shit on top of the toilet
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
