i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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