im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
