I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
