i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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