you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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