if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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