i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
