i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
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