i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
