you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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