In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
This girls' body was nothing short of spectacular...her face, was like the '09 Detroit Lions
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
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