How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
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