A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
