I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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