well I can't set my house on fire every night
I think I am morally bankrupt
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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