What do they do with the elephants that die at the zoo
Cremation, why do you ask?
I think we have a bit of a problem
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize