dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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