it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
