dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
They should really pass out barf bags in church
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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