we're making bets on your personal life
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
