I am midnight drunk by noon
operation have a gay friend backfired
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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