I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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