i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
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At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard