Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
