Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
