so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
