The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Randomize
