soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I need a burrito and a hug.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
