We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I want her autograph on my taint
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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