I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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