so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Randomize
