Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Randomize
