Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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