and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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