Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
The 21 Worst Ways People Have Been Dumped
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar