My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
21 Sketchy Drug Deals That Are Scary AF
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
17 Women That Lost Condoms Up Their Lady Parts
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.